cordx

i used to prayand begand screamto receive the stigmatato validate my painbut my deaf god...

Sat, 25 May 2013 19:30:53 -0500

i used to pray
and beg
and scream
to receive the stigmata
to validate my pain

but my deaf god kept
shitting deaf, deformed ears
under my pillow
until i got the hint

so i made my own stigmata
with a pair of scissors
flashed over skin
until i set it all on fire

i drink outhouse water
to sustain my wounds

protected from the outsidebeing eaten from within

Fri, 24 May 2013 19:30:32 -0500

protected from the outside
being eaten from within

cordx: i wanted to be victimized and violated and wronged

Thu, 23 May 2013 19:30:31 -0500

cordx: i wanted to be victimized and violated and wronged:

i wanted to be victimized
               and violated
               and wronged

recently i begged the darkness
               to visit the stigmata upon me
and when i could not have that, it was my desire
               to be dragged to the stake
               to have my flesh cooked and
               my transgressions purged
               by the lovely lips of the flame
and because that path also proved too gracious for me,
               i demanded to be infested with a raging case of
               the human immunodeficiency virus or
               to have my own cells turned against me
               to eat me inside and out with a cancer i could only
               pray for the strength to refuse to treat

please, darkness my executioner, convince some foreign
               agent to come lay its wrath on me
               that i may put down the knife
               and stop opening my skin
               to coax the nastiness out of my body

mt 2day, bruddade mt come an clean me outtake alla waygot nuttin lefnuttinknife say me“fill coffers...

Wed, 22 May 2013 19:30:40 -0500

mt 2day, brudda

de mt come an clean me out

take alla way
got nuttin lef

nuttin

knife say me
“fill coffers wit blood”
“got plenty blood”

me say knife
“blood mt too”

“mt heart got mt blood”

i have lied about my deaththis is a heartless,merciless worldwhere darkness bleeds every person i...

Tue, 21 May 2013 19:30:54 -0500

i have lied about my death

this is a heartless,
merciless world
where darkness bleeds every person i know

i shall celebrate my ignorance
no more
and use this damn knife
to pry the shit
off of my eyes

oh, how the light bleeds these people as well

did i ever tell youthat i am dying?each night as i lie down,i feel that much more deathsettle slowly...

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:30:39 -0500

did i ever tell you
that i am dying?

each night as i lie down,
i feel that much more death
settle slowly down on my skin

can you imagine
at all
what it feels like
to measure one’s life
so?

i have taken a knife
and stripped that skin
where death caked terribly on
the night before
(i am not a good liver
but there is still resolve in me)
only to find after the
bleeding and the yearning
the needing and the burning
that i am still thusly dying

i bleed mefor the solution of itbut the blood does not sootheits immediacystartles and...

Sun, 19 May 2013 19:30:49 -0500

i bleed me
for the solution of it
but the blood does not soothe

its immediacy
startles and reinvigorates
the sleeper

so this time it’s a knife in the heart,
or the pills, (always the possibility of pills)
or the exhaust pipe

maybe even an exhaust pipe through the heart
or pills through the heart of my knife

i cannot coax the death
out of my blood

my poison is irrevocable

cordx: if blood cannot heal this pain

Sat, 18 May 2013 19:30:41 -0500

cordx: if blood cannot heal this pain:

if blood cannot heal this pain,
then where shall i turn?

they say
and they say
and they say,
“time, time, time, time, time”

but i cannot spread
patience across my heart
and wish the wound to
close

if not this blood
(my angry blood)
the tears of my body
and the offspring of my knife and skin,
then what?

my doctor is a shitty
bastard of a man

i gave him a dozen knives
to choose from

all i needed was for
him to open me up
and put one of them in my
heart and sew me back
together
to reassure me every minute
of every day that i could
always name the cause
of my sorrow

is that too much to ask?

is that a freedom one man
should be allowed to deny another?

cordx: the seduction of pain was a beloving

Fri, 17 May 2013 19:30:34 -0500

cordx: the seduction of pain was a beloving:

the seduction of pain
was a beloving that i didn’t know
i was supposed to run from

she came to me so early
and with grave easy words,
slicky-coated with
what looked like salvation

to bleed
perchance to scream

to sleep
perchance to yield up
to the hungry demons and my own self-pity
my ability to ever dream again

if it is my hand on
the billy club and my rapid, rabid white knuckles
lighting up the roses in my own cheeks,
i need the vacuous empty of away

i need to know that i can
leave this place behind and
sever all references to whoever
that crazy bastard is who’s aiming
to bleed me for crimes i still
can’t begin to reckon

the want to cut
is like having a sweet tooth
that longs for
the faint hint of
salt and red

maybe it’s a bloodhand
that wants for a slight
sign of healing

any healing

because there is a simplicity
in the salvation i get when i cut myself

i know the width and the breadth of pain to expect
and i know the process by which it will heal

all of this other shit
that festers in my heart
follows no such pattern

the destruction is raggedy
and the healing is piecemeal at best

i am lost even to myself
at times like these

o, how is it that this irredeemable
thickness has settled in just behind my
eyes again?

what could i have done to
earn the need for blood,
the desire to cut and kill
this time too?

how could setting myself on
fire possibly bring back the peace and
the sweetness?

can it be that this home
is my home when i have so
rarely been inside
the song of slender metal?

sometimes i punch myselfin the face for being stupidthat should help things getbetterfaster

Fri, 17 May 2013 01:26:45 -0500

sometimes i punch myself
in the face for being stupid

that should help things get
better
faster

each day we live through a new burning of the sunonce upon a dark night i heated a paper clipand...

Sat, 11 May 2013 19:30:46 -0500

each day we live through a new burning of the sun

once upon a dark night i heated a paper clip
and burned the star of david on my left wrist

youth, specifically, felt like a kind of suffering to me

and i had heard someway, somehow that the people
who lived under that symbol
(for it would be some time
before the study of religion
would interest me greatly)
had suffered a good deal

i wasn’t seeking allegiance, mind you, just a symbol
to hold up against the advancing hordes,
a figure to elicit my battle cry when things
got bloody in those days, as they
invariably did

but of course i speak metaphorically,
because the whirlwind and minefield of me have
been for the most part between my ears,
as one might expect from a man who as a boy
put paperclip to wrist in effigy

i was wrong to say thatbecause it didn’t hurtit opened up this big,so huge holein the middle of...

Fri, 10 May 2013 19:30:36 -0500

i was wrong to say that
because it didn’t hurt

it opened up this big,
so huge hole
in the middle of everything
and ripped through the flesh
of darkness
inside my empty eyes

and in there,
where it all got wrecked,
nothing leaked
out

i heard no sound
it ate sound
i just know i screamed

i wanted to be
too angry
and so vomit-violent

how many times
have i seen that
though i never hear the words

i am not sadi am not angryi am in sorrowand this definitely feels like home

Thu, 09 May 2013 19:30:47 -0500

i am not sad
i am not angry

i am in sorrow
and this definitely feels like home

the chaosis mendedthe suddennesshas ended the pain hasdropped nowleaden intomy belly,feeding only on...

Wed, 08 May 2013 19:30:37 -0500

the chaos
is mended

the suddenness
has ended

the pain has
dropped now
leaden into
my belly,
feeding only on the
waste of the waste
in preparation for
the time
when we shall all
loose ourselves
from the silent chains
and rise again

it is elementally necessaryto question the nature of beingand to begin to divine its parameters

Tue, 07 May 2013 19:30:39 -0500

it is elementally necessary
to question the nature of being
and to begin to divine its parameters

put your hand in mineand close your eyesthere are certain thingsi can only saysilentlyto your...

Tue, 07 May 2013 16:42:53 -0500

put your hand in mine
and close your eyes
there are certain things
i can only say
silently
to your palm
tracing my adoration
across your softness
spelling my heart
on the tips
of your finger

aye, there’s the rub of itrely on your intuition i am beginning to understandbut what if part of my...

Mon, 06 May 2013 19:30:52 -0500

aye, there’s the rub of it

rely on your intuition i am beginning to understand
but what if part of my intuiting says to
beat myself senseless?
how to trust it at all?

i must know the nature of the desire
for self-destruction
i must seek its core

the appeal of this place is how easily i can vanish

Mon, 06 May 2013 00:11:24 -0500

al-wird:

there is a murderer sitting on my shoulder, speaking,
breath warm with emotion,

“it is one thing to leave yourself
like a tiny piece of shrapnel
in someone who lives, whole
in spite of your fragmentation,
somewhere, away,

and it is something else to gather yourself into a bouquet of flowers
and light it on fire.”

you must understand
the appeal of precipices.

i can only shout“la la la la la la la”so loudwith my fingers in my earsand my eyes squeezed shutto...

Sun, 05 May 2013 19:30:43 -0500

i can only shout
“la la la la la la la”
so loud
with my fingers in my ears
and my eyes squeezed shut
to try to drown out the fact
that i am beating my head
against a brick wall

and i don’t know how to stop

i took my face offi slowly removed itand set it on the ground before meto free it from the burden of...

Sat, 04 May 2013 19:30:41 -0500

i took my face off

i slowly removed it
and set it on the ground before me
to free it from the burden of expression

let the darkness run
until i am breathless
all the more
and overcome with it all